Odoriferous (the lyrics)

FOX NEWS DIGITAL (as reported by the New York Post)– Many foods can impact the way someone smells. In very rare cases, the body converts a seafood byproduct into a fishy-smelling compound (that) … is released through the breath and skin. Cruciferous vegetables like broccoli, cabbage, cauliflower and brussels sprouts can cause body odor when they release sulfuric acid.

Cleveland Clinic notes that spices like curry and cumin contain volatile compounds that are absorbed by the bloodstream and released through the sweat glands, leading to a distinct odor. Red meat can release odorless proteins through perspiration, but after they mingle with skin bacteria their odor can intensify.

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As if the dating populace doesn’t have it bad enough already.

Looking for elaboration? I would be if I were you. Here it is: A recent article cites a supposedly real instance in which a woman found a way to extrapolate herself from a first dinner date after a mere 16 minutes because she didn’t like the way her companion chewed his food.

Great. So, in addition to guaranteeing that you don’t come off as a crude food chewer, now you have to worry about ordering stuff off the menu that may cause you to stink. Ordinarily at this point I’d elicit a lung-filling sigh of resignation, but I’m afraid if I did I might smell myself and not like it.

Makes you wonder what’s next, doesn’t it? Nuclear Old Spice,™ certified to camouflage every disgusting aroma that happens to bubble out of that sack of viscera called your body? Expensive lines of clothing impregnated with Febreze™ fabric freshener? Restaurant menus that, through the magic of AI, instantly analyze which foods on them are bound to react with your latest batch of sweat to produce a deadly cologne?  (Sigh)

Damn it, I said I wasn’t going to do that!

Well, there doesn’t seem to be any way around it, does there. I guess we just have to accept the eat-smell connection as an undeniable part of the natural evolution of the species and continue to munch. Or perhaps we could attempt to normalize things by, oh, I don’t know … retrofitting a popular song with satirical lyrics to make ourselves feel better.

Yeah. That’s what we have to do.

Cue the piano.

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Sung to the tune of “Unforgettable”

(with apologies to song writer Irving Gordon)

Odoriferous
That’s what you are
Odoriferous
Though near or far

Like a stench of love that clings to me
How the smell of you does things to me
Never before
Has someone been more

Odoriferous
In every way
And forever more
That’s how you’ll stay

Oh, my darling, it’s incredible
That a food we find so edible
Makes you stink so
Unforgettably bad

Odoriferous
In every way
And forever more
That’s how you’ll stay

Oh, my darling, it’s unthinkable
That some food makes you so stinkable
Please don’t make me
Odoriferous, too

If that’s not unforgettable, I don’t know what is.