You’re the last person who should be having those French fries …

NEW YORK POST – A staffer at Dusseldorf’s Kunstpalast art museum (Germany) puts on a twice-monthly “Grumpy Guide” tour in which the surly instructor deliberately insults and belittles his guests – to their utter amusement. (He) wags his finger in guests’ faces, admonishes them for being on their phones or taking a seat, and mocks their ignorance while going through the museum. (The) tours cost around $8 USD and they’ve reportedly sold out every session since they launched in May, with bookings well into 2026.

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(At an expensive restaurant)

RAMON:   Yeah? Something I can do for you? Who, me? Oh, my God, no. I’m not your waiter. You should be so lucky. No, you don’t understand, sweetheart. I haven’t had my second cigarette yet. Say what? You want me to check with the maître d’? What for? Well, all right … I suppose I could. Might be a couple of hours, though.

(Ramon returns)

OK, well, it seems that I AM your waiter after all. Man, I can’t catch a break around here. “Ramon, you’ve got table six! Ramon, you’ve got table seven … and eight, too!” Jesus, am I the only guy here with a pad and pencil? OK, anybody in the group a teetotaler? Good, ‘cuz the drinks around here are outrageously expensive, which translates into me bagging a tidier tip at the end of this yawn party. OK, who wants to go first?

A martini for the lady. (extended pause as Ramon slowly looks her over) Um, I don’t know. Are you sure? I mean, you look like you’ve had two already. You gonna be able to get your lips on that thing without sloshing it all over yourself? Yeah, right. You’ll take it slow. I’m guessing you take pretty much everything slow nowadays.

OK, how about the rest of you? Just a second, let me get this down – a Manhattan for the guy with that thing he thinks is a sexy moustache. You sure you don’t want to mull it over? Heh, heh. Get it. It’s a joke! Manhattan! Mull it! Jesus, you people are slow. All right, how about you two? Huh? You want a wine list? Come on, sport. You gotta be kidding. Look at you. Necktie from JCPenney. Sport coat from Target. No way you can afford anything from our wine cellar. Besides, I never learned how to use one of those stupid French corkscrews. Face it. You and your date are getting a couple of Budweisers. I’ll be right back … in a couple of hours.

(Ramon returns again)

Everyone ready to order? Good. Otherwise, you were gonna go hungry. All right, you first, madam. Prime rib! Whoa, whoa. I’m guessing your body mass index is like … a thousand! When was the last time your doctor ordered a blood panel? Listen, if I bring you a plate with that on it there’s a good chance I’ll be charged as an accessory to homicide. You’re getting a garden salad with mineral water.

And you, sir. How can I save your life? Oh. Well … normally I’d tell you the octopus was a good choice, but I had a preview of the prep work when I walked through the kitchen to the men’s room and I’d recommend against it. They’ve been tossing them around for fun out there and a bunch landed on the floor. Plus, a couple of them have nine tentacles, so I think something might be wrong. How about the sea scallops instead? They just came in three or four days ago, so they might still be fresh.

All right, now we’re cooking. At this rate we’ll be able to rebrand your dinners as late night snacks. Let’s move on to the lady with too much mascara. What are you looking at as your main course? Jesus, can you even see the menu? Hold on. Hold on. Where’s everyone going? Is there a fire in the kitchen or something?

Wait! Come back! It happens all the time! (chuckling and lighting up a cigarette) It’s how we keep your food warm …