Tight squeeze

PHILADELPHIA (AP) – Bryce Harper shared his morning (wakeup) routine with more than 600,000 followers on TikTok, and one part stopped even his most diehard fans. The Philadelphia Phillies slugger squeezed toothpaste straight from the tube into his mouth, rather than applying it to his toothbrush.

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Whoo, boy. Apparently, things really ARE falling apart. That particularly squishy segment of Harper’s morning ablutions was defined as nothing less than “diabolical” by one of his online social media followers, and troubled readers of London’s The Daily Mail supposedly found the practice horrifying.

Just imagine the chaos that might have erupted if it had been revealed that the baseball hero wore his Jockey™ shorts over his pants instead of under them. I’m not suggesting that’s actually the case, mind you, but examine the odds. Surely, I’m not the only one.

The truth is, in this age of unending political grift and ceaseless mendacity, I’m kind of thankful for the occasional report of innocent quirkiness – innocuous and welcome departures from what’s become the everyday standard of lying, chealing and steating. And no, those aren’t typos. They’re quotes. I have a friend who stumbled into that malaprop 50 years ago when he tried to explain his strategy for winning at Monopoly.™

The way I look at it, you probably can’t be genuinely quirky and at the same time be guilty of doing anything seriously wrong. Most likely, it’s the other way around. I think it might even revitalize my faith in the underlying moral innocence of the human species if I learned that Harper had somehow adapted his toothpaste technique to his batting mechanics and, instead of swinging his Louisville Slugger™ at an incoming four-seamer, was throwing it at the ball while it was still in the pitcher’s mitt.

In fact, I’m beginning to think the world in general would be a much nicer place if we all were just a bit more, shall we say … unconventional.

And in that vein, I have some good news. Luckily, I’m one of the few people on the planet familiar with a little-known reference work titled “Miller’s Encyclopedic Compendium of Quirks and Barely Legal Activities.” I could claim there’s no relation, but you probably wouldn’t believe it. Wait. You say you would  believe it? Well … OK, then. No relation.

Unbelievably (again), the collection is broken down into various sections, one of which addresses sports in particular, and baseball in even more particular – a bit of serendipity that I’m certain will have special appeal to our hero, Mr. Harper. Here then, for his edification and yours, are some suggestions guaranteed to further enrich his reputation for delightful quirkiness … and in doing so, make the world a better place.

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1. Develop a habit of eating soup while wearing an outfielder’s glove on your spoon hand.

2. Steal third BEFORE you steal second.

3. Relatedly, try to actually steal second base by concealing it under your Phillies jersey.

4. Ask a teammate to store your chewing tobacco in his shoe. If that doesn’t keep you from putting it in your mouth, I don’t know what will.

5. And finally, in concert with your current morning wakeup ritual, try brushing your teeth with a baseball bat. Pay special attention to those molars!